Who Holds The Power ?
Last week I posted a short message about story telling and I thought it would be useful to expand on that – because how you tell your story and how you hear others tell their story is a sign that someone in moving on .. or holding on . Dependant on which , depends on where the power is.
In this day and age it is even easier to share your stories and experiences through social media. It is often used by people including myself to give reference to our empathy of others situations. That we have gone through life challenges and we have come out the other side. Telling your story can be powerful both to you and to your community.
When something happens to an individual , when we feel upset , traumatised , embarrassed or on a lesser scale hard done by or treated badly, we initially hold onto that emotion. It is quite normal to spend time thinking about it. However at some point people start to process the emotion and part of this is an ability to talk about their experience.
In the beginning it may be too hard to talk about – it may not feel possible and you don’t want to say it out loud as you have to then accept it – it makes it real. As time goes by you start to share and then some people get to a point where they want to talk about it .. and finally it can become therapeutic to be able to tell your story.
A sign that someone is working through the experience is how they frame it – when it includes details of who they are now, of moving on , what they have done since , when they talk about it to express emotion but are not ‘ in ‘ the emotion .. these are all signs that the story telling is on their terms. And this can be a powerful healing tool! When this happens it says – the power is in my hands ! – to tell my story my way ! – to let others hear my experience and share what happened next.
Incidentally this story telling isn’t triggered by a reminder or a chance encounter with the person – it is told when you feel it will be beneficial. You are not at the mercy of circumstance!
But what if it’s different .. you know the way .. the person , the friend , perhaps it’s you .. when the story is told but it focuses on the hurt , the betrayal. Every telling is feeding that initial emotion and bringing it all back. Creating deeper feelings of negative talk. This person is brooding still , holding onto everything that happened. Anything can trigger the need to tell the story- certainly any mention of perhaps the other party will cause it all to be brought up again .. ‘ let me tell you about them ! ‘ ‘Don’t you know what they did?’
There is very little or no mention of what has happened since – the whole piece focuses on the incident and the person in hand. They or you are driven on impulse to tell the story when it dictates!
When this happens .. much as you or the person telling it will think they are in control .. actually they are handing the power over the other person. They are allowing that person to create emotions in them and allowing them to set them off balance. They are allowing the incident or event to still impact on their lives and control what happens to them and how they feel.
So as you can see there is very much 2 ways to tell a story !
It’s important to be mindful of where you are at. If after reading this you are thinking ‘ oh that’s me’ I keep going back to that ‘ then it’s time to make change. It’s a simple process but it’s not easy – but you can make it happen – it just takes practise.
You have to watch for those thoughts starting to come through and you have to make a point of saying no to yourself – that you won’t go there and allow yourself to build it up.
If you hear yourself start to tell that story again – take a moment and say out loud ‘ actually I am not going there today !’
Ask your friends to be supporters not enablers ‘ If you hear me start to tell that again – please remind me I don’t want to bring that all up and please don’t let’s talk about it when we meet’ .
And be a good friend in return – let your friends know when they are falling into that trap themselves that you kindly bring them back on track ‘ I notice you still seem really hurt by that ‘ or ‘ I notice you bring that up a lot still and it is very raw’.
The more you focus on allowing the emotion to settle – the more you will find you get to a point where you see past it… and at that point you may feel you can tell your story in a different way – from a place of power and a place of nurturing
Have a fabulous and mindful week and why not come over to the Bemoore Facebook community and join in the chat .
or join my group
and don’t forget to sign up for your Empowerment Day Ticket for the 8th May or come and see me at the Tower of London on May 13th for the Feminist Fete event!